You Are My Sanity
by k-sullivan
Summary: A new girl comes to Hogwarts, and of course she's accepted by most. But why does Sirius shun her? Are they to forever remain enemies, or will a friendship unlike either expected form?
1. Prolouge

Well I'm alive and well, first off. It's been a while since I've even been on so it's a little weird to look over some of my stories and the reviews. Thanks much to those who have been hanging in there. 

I've rewritten the prologue to You Are My Sanity because I wrote it about a year ago, and there were just some poor grammar and spelling usages. So here is the updated version, and there should be a new chapter out within the next week.

Enjoy.

* * *

_He was gone._

Sirius watched as the old minister utter a gentle prayer, wanting nothing more than to flee from the area and into the nearest pub where he could drown in his despair in private. And yet, despite the feelings that were tearing his insides to shreds, he couldn't pull his eyes away from the scorching fire, or the tear-stained faces of his friends.

From the small cliff they were gathered on, Sirius could hear the waves of the ocean crashing angrily against the rocks below. The dark, raging water mirrored the cloudy sky, as if all of nature was reflecting his inner turmoil.

No one spoke. The only sounds heard over the ocean's roar were their muffled cries.

Finally, when Sirius thought he could bear no more, the priest had finished his prayer, and with a simple hand motion, reflecting the blessing of god, he bowed his head. Two men, completely clad in black, stepped forward, wands at the ready. But before they could utter a word, the crowd parted and before them stepped a bearded old man, with half-moon spectacles resting jauntily on his nose. With one wave of his hand, the two exchanged glances before respectfully stepping aside, allowing Albus Dumbledore himself to approach the edge of the overhang.

Sirius' eyes focused on the tired form of Dumbledore. With a wave of his wand, their headmaster sent a small shower of glimmering gold sparks towards the orange flames. The smoldering ashes of what was once a Gryffindor Quidditch robe were sent flying off the end of the cliff, and out to the now calming sea.

A hushed silence fell over all attending, and the quiet cries and sobs finally diminished. Peaceful could possibly describe the feeling of the end of the service. Families bunched together, mothers and fathers kissing their children and embracing friends. Consoling words were exchanged warmly, in a genuine attempt to bring life back to its norm, as it inevitably does after such events happen.

Sirius watched on, angry and sad that the sight brought him no sense of comfort. The nausea that had his stomach clenched in a vice grip was now threatening to surface. His head was swimming, and the tears he'd held back for the last few months were stinging his eyes, trying to be let free.

There were too many people. It was all too much. Everything screamed at him to run. And before anyone could stop him, instinct took over, and he fled the funeral, ignoring his parents' failed attempts to grab him and the worried eyes of his friends.

Scrambling down the side of the cliff, he rushed over the large rocks at the bottom, and towards the beach.

But as it started to drizzle, the ground became muddy and the rocks grew slippery. Sirius ignored the rain as it grew harder, and felt the heavy weight on his shoulders lifting as he neared the beach.

He needed to drown. The annoying patter of the rain on his face wasn't good enough. And the cold dark waves looked so inviting.

But before he made it there, his foot slipped on a rock and he tumbled down, landing unceremoniously on the ground with a sickening thud.

At that moment, the damn broke, and kneeling on the ground, he clutched his stomach as he vomited, emptying his body of what little he'd had for dinner three nights previously. And then the painful dry-heaving started.

When he'd finally finished, all the energy he had left in his body had fled him. Unconsciously he wiped his mouth, and staggered a few feet backwards. He hadn't even noticed he'd started crying. It was pouring now. The rain running in streams down his cheeks merged with the tears now falling freely from his grey eyes.

All he tasted was salt.

"Sirius?"

He didn't even bother turning around to see who the voice belonged to. At that moment he didn't really care. Then a hand was gently placed on his shoulder, and swallowing his pride, Sirius turned around.

Lily didn't acknowledge that he looked like shit. She was in no better condition. Her red hair was tangled and ratty, hanging limply off her shoulders. Her clothes were worn and black, and her normally bright green eyes were red and puffy, surrounded by menacing dark circles-silent proof of many sleepless nights.

Sirius stared at her. It was all he could think to do, as no words came to mind. His brain wasn't functioning properly, and he found with a bit of frustration, he could not get his stupid mouth to move.

However his struggle was cut short when Lily dropped the black umbrella she'd been holding, and dove into his arms. Without a word, Sirius wound his arms around her frail, shaking form and held her, perhaps a bit too tightly. She didn't complain though, and Sirius buried his face in her mess of hair, letting her sob into his chest.

Seconds later, he was aware of another familiar hand on his shoulder. Glancing up, Sirius met Remus' watery smile. Silently, he stretched out an arm to his friend, and the slightly shorter boy took the invited embrace with relief, joining the tangled mess of limbs.

And the rain pounded mercilessly down on them, soaking them to the bone, and drowning out the heart wrenching sounds of their choked sobs. Together they stood, and together they mourned for the loss of their friend.

For the loss of James Potter.


	2. Chapter 1

"Sirius Jonathan Black, get your ass out of bed, before I come and apparate it somewhere else! Maybe outside on the front lawn would suit you better?"

With a loud snort, Sirius merely pulled the covers over his head, in an attempt to block out the annoying shrieking. "Like she'd even put in the effort to boil a pot of water, much less climb one step…"

The sound of angry boots stomping up the stairs to his bedroom made his sentence fall short. With an echoing bang, his bedroom door flew open to reveal a very irritated woman, clad in forest green, and wearing an expression that would surely make the bravest of men shrink under her furious gaze.

"I don't have time for you to be a spoiled teenager, Sirius." She said impatiently, tapping a pointed boot on the wooden floor. "You know you have a train to catch in less than an hour, and you aren't even packed yet!"

Throwing the blankets off his bed, Sirius stood in only his boxers and stretched like a cat. "You know mother, the fact that you were kind enough to actually come up here and wake me up yourself, instead of making the maid do it, truly touches me." He remarked, his voice void of emotion. Ruffling his hair, he looked lazily around his sty of a room for something clean to wear. "But a hearty breakfast and a quick goodbye was all I really needed."

"Don't be ridiculous." She scoffed, unaffected by his state of dress. "You know your father and I will be accompanying you to the train station. We always do."

"Of course, Mother." Not bothering to look up at her, he went to his dresser, and started throwing cloths in the open trunk next to his bed.

With an aggravated sigh, his mother stormed out and down the stairs, muttering under her breath about spoiling her son too much.

Slamming the lid of his trunk down, Sirius rolled his eyes and went to take a shower. "Annoying shrew." He murmured to himself before slamming the door shut.

A shrill shriek rang throughout the house at the sound, and he faintly heard his mother ranting about not slamming doors or some such nonsense. But stepping into the shower and letting the hot water run, effectively drowned out his mother's voice.

* * *

"Are you sure you have everything?"

"Yes, mother."

"You brought your broom?"

"Yes."

"And all of your books?"

"Yes."

"And Millie packed all your robes?"

"_Yes_."

"You're, sure?"

"Yes, I have _everything_. Can I please go now?"

Sirius stood in a busy train station, with his trunk lying next to him, looking as if it were about to burst. Despite his mother's presumptions they had arrived at platform nine and three-quarters exactly on time, via apparition. And now she had taken to pestering him over forgetting to pack something.

"Don't speak to your mother in that tone." His father said sharply. The dark-haired man stood at least a foot taller than his already tall son, and his masculine build and cold demeanor was enough to make Sirius watch his words.

Sirius mumbled an apology, and his mother gave a curt nod in acceptance.

"Very well, then. You had better be off. I won't have you missing the train. Try and find your cousin Bella. It would do you well to sit with those of your rank, Sirius."

Sirius resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his mother's high and mighty attitude, and instead muttered some response of compliance, grabbing hold of his trunk. But as he was about to walk away, a hand gripped his shoulder.

"Try to stay out of trouble this time." His father said coldly. "We've already had more publicity than we need from that little stunt your friend pulled last year. I'll have members of the staff giving me reports, so behave yourself."

"And we'll expect you for Christmas this year, since you have no where else to go now." His mother added nonchalantly.

Sirius gritted his teeth, but managed to nod. His father released him and stood stiffly beside his mother. They each bore identical blank expressions as they looked down upon their son. Tightening his grip on his trunk, Sirius walked away from his parents and through the brick wall, not bothering to look back.

* * *

"Aw, come _on_!"

Sirius grunted as he gave his trunk another hard shove. But the over-stuffed baggage would not fit into the overhang of the compartment no matter how hard he rammed it. Finally he gave a defeated sigh, and decided to just let it stick out halfway. Maybe it would do him a favor and fall on him halfway through the ride, effectively knocking him out so he wouldn't have to put up with hearing the shouting and laughter from the other students down the hall.

Then his compartment door slid open, and before he had a chance to see who it was, someone jumped him from behind.

"Sirius!"

He nearly had a heart attack when two arms clung around his neck. Trying hard not to just throw the redhead off him, Sirius struggled to get free from her death grip without hurting her. "Lily…I can't…breath…" He coughed.

"You better let him go, Lils. I think he's starting to turn purple." An amused voice said from behind her.

She looked at Remus, sticking out her lower lip in a pout, but finally relented, and loosened her grip.

Sirius rubbed his neck with a scowl, and turned around. But at the sight of his two friends, he couldn't keep the smile from spreading across his face. "Hey, guys."

"_Hey_?" Lily repeated incredulously. "_Hey_? Is that all you have to say to me?"

Sirius watched her place both hands on her hips in confusion. "Um…hey…how are you?" He offered with a meek smile.

"I don't see you for a month and a half; don't get one letter, and all you can do when I finally see you is say, '_hey'_?" She frowned pointing an accusing finger at Remus. "At least _Remus_ gave me a hug!"

Remus slowly backed away from his fiery friend, raising both hands in defense. "Hey don't being me into this." He chuckled.

Lily ignored him, and instead resorted to glaring at Sirius indignantly.

Then someone else ran into the doorway of their compartment. "Hey Lily, have you heard?" The blonde girl asked excitedly.

Lily whirled around, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Heard what?"

The girl grabbed her hand, dragging her out of the small compartment. "Come on!"

Sirius and Remus watched the two girls leave, and exchanged looks of utter perplexity.

"Did I miss something?" Sirius asked, scratching his head.

Remus shrugged and sat down. "Probably just gossip or something."

Sirius took a seat across from him. "Lily sure is acting weird." He mused thoughtfully.

"Its just how some people cope." Remus replied quietly. "She's been chipper and happy all summer, but you can tell its killing her inside. She won't talk to me at all." He paused, looking at Sirius pointedly. "She's almost as damn stubborn as you."

Sirius shifted uncomfortably, avoiding his friend's gaze. Soon the awkward silence he had feared all summer surrounded them. He searched around the room looking for something to focus on, other than the subject that was bound to come up. And just when he'd found looking out the window relatively interesting, Remus asked the inevitable question.

"How have you been, Sirius?"

He didn't answer right away, but kept staring out the window. "Fine."

"You…you know you can always talk to me, right?" Remus said earnestly.

Tearing his gaze away from the window, Sirius offered his friend a small smile. "Yea, I know."

Remus looked as if he wanted to continue, but before he had the chance, the compartment door opened once again. This time a tall and very skinny young man stepped through the door way. His messy hair was a blazing red, and small freckles adorned his bright cheeks. A small grin graced his face as he caught sight of them.

"Hello, Remus," He said brightly, and then paused, regarding Sirius with a cautious eye, "Sirius."

"Hello Arthur, how was your summer?" Remus replied, motioning him to join them.

Arthur took a seat beside him, casting a glance in Sirius' direction. But when he received only a faint smile in return, he decided it best to not question, and proceeded to tell the tale of his summer in India, sounding as if he'd retold it many times before.

Sirius watched Remus dutifully listen to their friend's story for a moment, before turning his head to gaze out the window again. The sun was already setting, and the sky would start turning dark before long. It would only be a short time before they arrived at Hogwarts, the place that usually gave him comfort and a sense that he belonged.

But the more he thought about it, the more unwelcoming Hogwarts' doors became. They would all assemble in the Great Hall, where his entire house would be merrily chatting and eating while discussing how brilliant their summer had been. And he, feeling like a fish out of water, would be forced to join in conversation, otherwise raising everyone's suspicions that he was anything but fine.

He _was_ fine.

That's what he kept telling himself anyway.

These days feeling apathetic had found a common place in his heart, and usually everything was just peachy until the moon rose and evening fell. And then the grief would come flooding back until every fiber of his being was filled with anger, betrayal, and hurt. However, after a summer of practice Sirius had become an expert in blocking the nostalgia with his favorite buffer, in the ever chipper form of Rum or Jack.

His thoughts of the happy activities he would be partaking in later that very evening were interrupted when the train came to a halt. Looking out the window, Sirius could make out the faint form of the school reflected in the black lake. He heaved a sigh, and ignoring the excited shrieks from their neighboring compartments, and rose to grab a hold of his trunk.

After tugging at it impatiently for a minute, it finally budged, but fell and landed on his head.

_Irony... _He thought angrily.

Rubbing his sore noggin, and trying not to notice Remus and Arthur's chortling laughter, he grabbed his trunk with a grunt and left the compartment in a huff. A few younger students scrambled out of the way as he passed them, leaving his friends looking after him with worried eyes.

Remus shook his head sadly, and grabbed his trunk, intent on going after his friend.

"It's going to be a long year." He mused.

* * *

It turned out that feigning happiness in the sea of people that were his housemates at dinner was not nearly as hard as he thought it would be. Sure, there were the stares. And people seemed to be aiming their pity and curiosity filled eyes right at him. At least no one had brought up the subject, making it all too easy to play along.

Sirius was about to noisily shovel some more mashed potatoes into his mouth, sending the pretty girls of his fan club into a fit of giggles, and making Remus and Arthur simultaneously roll their eyes, when the doors to the Great Hall burst open. In filed the scared first years, two at a time, behind a strait back Professor McGonagall. As they shuffled their feet, looking dazedly around the room, muttering and grinning about _fresh meat_ floated through the hall.

When they had reached the sorting hat at the front of the Great Hall, the long boring process of sorting them into their respective houses started, and Sirius yawned. Remus frowned at him, and Sirius sent a roll flying in his direction. Grinning, Remus shook his head, catching the roll and setting it down to Sirius' disappointment.

About halfway through the ceremony, after a few cheers and moans from each table when receiving their new housemate, Sirius noticed something. Remus had his eyes fixed on her curiously as well.

Among the midget first years, all trembling and looking like they wanted to faint from sheer embarrassment, there stood a girl of small size and stature. However among her younger peers, she looked to be about a foot taller, making her stick out like a soar thumb. The girl stood patiently, looking strait ahead, waiting for her turn to be sorted.

"Maybe she's a transfer student? She has that really shiny blond hair—she could be from the Beaubatton academy?" A boy to his left offered quietly.

(AN: I know I spelled that incorrectly, but I'm lazy and not going to search through the book to find the right spelling. Sue me.)

"They don't usually transfer though. Most of those girls would die if they were sent here." A sixth year girl mused, clearly annoyed.

"Who cares where she's from? She's fucking hot."

Sirius rolled his eyes at the brown-haired boy, looking like he was about to drool into his dinner. Deciding he could care less if the girl was an invalid sent here from the psych ward, he continued to eat his meal, ignoring the pointed look he received from Remus at his rudeness.

He didn't care to look up to see who was admitted into Gryffindor after that. He didn't bother to cheer with his friends and welcome the scared first years with a pat on the back. And when the sorting was finally finished, he drowned out the excited chattering and gossip around him.

When his plate was empty, and Sirius felt he could eat no more, he got up, much to the avail of Remus, and left the hall without a word. Cool air greeted him, and after being the stuffy room with so many people for so long, Sirius inhaled deeply and gratefully. He headed strait for the Gryffindor common room, walking quickly so as to avoid anyone who may have followed him. Namely Remus.

He felt bad, avoiding his friend—honestly he did. But talking to him about it was not going to make things better. Avoiding the subject altogether seemed like the best possible solution to him.

As he rounded a corner, Sirius, completely lost in his thoughts, didn't stop in time and ran right into someone. Looking down, Sirius found he was staring into the deepest blue eyes he'd ever seen. She blinked up at him, completely disoriented.

After a minute, his senses seemed to come back to him, and Sirius scrambled to his feet. The poor girl gave a loud sigh of relief when the heavy weight on top of her finally disappeared. And realizing she was still on the floor, she slowly got up and dusted herself off.

Sirius noticed it was the strange girl from the Great Hall earlier, who had come in with the other new arrivals. She was looking up at him, apologetically, and muttering something about always having been clumsy, or some other such nonsense. Sirius regarded her as he would any other first year, deciding she was probably lost and in need of a knight in shinning armor. Well while that was normally his specialty—saving damsels in distress, before leading them into darkened hallways to their pleasure, and having a little fun—he wasn't exactly in the mood at the moment. Despite the fact that her long creamy legs were peaking out from beneath her long cloak, and her lips were fixed prettily into a small pout, making him second-guess himself, his Jack was calling him. And he'd be damned if some wide-eyed girl, a head shorter then he, was going to distract him from it.

There was always time for that sort of fun later, he thought offhandedly.

He started walking away, when he heard an indignant huff and the girl shouted at him. "You could at least say sorry, you jerk!"

Rolling his eyes, Sirius disregarded her angry howl and continued walking until he reached the portrait hole and the picture of the fat lady. She eyed him warily, before opening without even asking him for a password. Heading up the stairs, he felt his feet moving at a faster pace the closer he got to the boy's dormitory. And when he finally reached the top step, and barged noisily into his room, he let out a sigh in relief.

His trunk was here. And shuffling through the other useless stuff, he finally found his prize and reached for it greedily.

The cheap liquor slid down his throat, leaving a slight burning sensation the whole way down, until he felt a tingling in his toes. The pain in his heart was finally easing, and he clutched the bottle tightly like it was his only lifeline.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, and the images he saw started to melt away. He couldn't see him falling...couldn't hear him shouting his name. _Shouting her name_.

Everything was a blur.

Everything was fading away.

And for the first time that day, Sirius felt like he wasn't going to die from the bottled sorrow. From the bottled guilt.

Sometime during the night, Remus came in and found him hunched over under the windowsill, still holding his bottle of Jack. And he was too tired to argue when his quiet friend solemnly put his arm around his shoulders, and lifted him with some difficulty over to his bed. He didn't see the pain in the other boy's eyes, as he too climbed into the bed opposite him. And until late into the night, he blocked out the sounds of tossing and turning as Remus shouted in his sleep, fighting a battle that was already lost.

Sleep finally took pity on him, and claimed his mind in the wee hours of morning as the sun started peeking over the horizon. And Sirius finally let his hands unclench, as the darkness overtook him.

* * *

Well, what do you think?

I started to continue writing this about halfway through this chapter. Notice any difference in style? I hope it wasn't too bad.

I'm still fiddling around with the plot as a whole, but I think I have a general idea where I'm going with this. So bare with me, as there will probably be a lot of random and unforeseen twists and turns. Oh, yes. There will indeed be some cliffhangers. :D

Hope you all enjoyed the long awaited, albeit slightly short, second chapter of You Are My Sanity. I'm sorry if it was a little fast-paced. But I was tired while writing it, and from what I've witnessed concerning losing a loved one, time is usually a little fucked up anyway. Its slow and fast and agonizing at times. So theres my explanation for that.

There's more news and such to follow in my boring author's note in the following chapter. But for now, I'm tired and going to take a nap. Have a good one!


End file.
